Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A Door and a Whore

Sunday, I successfully hung a new door. I know, scintillating information. Historically, though, doors have been the bane of my existence. Moreso even than plumbing or electrical work. In fact, a couple of doors I've ruined in the past function as shelves in our sheds.

This particular door, Sunday's success story, was actually my second attempt to replace the truly sad, saggy, water-damaged critter that existed when we purchased the house. It's fairly visible, the entrance to the storage shed in our carport, and it looked even worse when the new siding went up (like two years ago). I first endeavored to replace that shed door months ago. Because not a single joint in this house is square or plumb, it required a LOT of planing. Because I was inattentive to the orientation of the door, I chiseled out the hinge slots upside down. Because my woman understood the effort involved, and because we were on a time line, we accepted this error and simply flipped the door - so the knob was three feet from the top rather than three feet from the bottom. By then, I was out of time... so I stuck the knob through the door, sans tongue, to create the appearance of a finished door.

Saturday, I decided it was time to permanently attach the knob. Only moments into the effort, I discovered (yet another) major flaw: Because I drilled the knob holes prior to the substantial planing, the latch tongue extended too far. That was the last straw, the failure that sent this broken camel back to Home Depot for a fresh door.

I attacked the new door with cautious confidence. I wrote "top outside" on one panel, so I'd keep the hinges and knob aligned. I used my table saw to trim the edge, so no planing was required. I chiseled carefully, measured everything at least twice, and compared my new door to the fucked up one several times, so there was no stripping of screws or relocating of hinges. Thus was the new door successfully hung. The knob is attached. It locks. It's done. I conquered a door!

Oh. The whore.

That bitch in Oklahoma. You've heard it by now. I was going to suggest that perhaps the bitch doth protest too much; that we should have a Gay Agenda including indoctrination of two-year-olds, including starting GayCare Centers, you know, before your kid goes to Pre-Gay... But I'm not ready to laugh yet. I'm gay, but I ain't happy. What the fuck did we ever do to that ignorant, hateful, bigot?

Kiss my gay ass, Sally Kern.

.

7 comments:

the only daughter said...

Congrats on the successful door hanging.


Yep yep, for the other.

SassyFemme said...

Remember, Wen, Karma. It will come back to haunt that bitch, and others like her.

Now that you've had practice with doors want to come back up here and fix ours and hang storms?

weese said...

ooo doors.
I have had good and bad luck with them.
The one I hung in the basement -flawless. The one in the kitchen...eek.

How about a pic?

WenWhit said...

I suppose I could, SF... but really, Weese is much closer... ;)

Weese, hon, isn't a POST about a door bad enough? I mean, c'mon, it's a DOOR.

WordsRock said...

I'm on weese with this. I think your efforts merit a photo. That door is beautifully hung!

WenWhit said...

You're... ON... weese?

Holy Freudian Slip, Batman!

berto said...

I agree with you about these. Well someday Ill create a blog to compete you! lolz.