Sunday, April 22, 2007

Well, Spam is a Meat

As most of you probably know by now, my email is a Gmail account. More often than not, I'm a fan of Gmail. The "not" generally involves those (usually brief) spazzes when Gmail is "unable to process request. Please try again in a few moments". I think it's cute that the trash can shows recycling tips, and the spam folder has Spam recipes. (OMG, some of those recipes...!)

I've been impressed with Gmail's success in capturing spams and dumping them into the spam folder. Unfortunately, I do have to go to the folder and officially trash them. Because I can't stand to have that bold Spam (8) offending my sense of order, I dump the folder several times a day. Occasionally, the nature of the spam does catch my eye. Of late, I've been besieged with male sexual organ enhancement products. What the FUCK? Of all the bullshit that could inundate my account, why this? [Don't be nasty, Sydpacker. Oh, what the hell - go ahead.]

The best of the worst:
  • Stop blaming your lack of getting laid on everything under the sun. Maybe it's the moon...
  • Sex can be one of the most enjoyable parts of your life. Um, duh.
  • No more floppy dick. 'Cause floppies are, like, so old school.
  • My wife loves the new size of my dick. She calls me Big Boy now. Better than "Vienna Sausage", no doubt.
  • This email will make your dick bigger. Just LOL
  • Stretch her out with MegaDik. Yikes!
  • She'll hurt so good with MegaDik. That's better.
  • Make your dick huge this summer. For the summer? Is this like tanning?
  • Are you a stud in the sack or a dud at the back? At the back of...? Nm, I don't want to know.
  • Do you have what it takes? Become a solid 8 inches. Yes, I said *8* inches. Could be helpful doggy style. Maybe that's the "back" reference...
  • Get a visit from the Big Dick Fairy. Sounds rather gay.
  • Do you ejaculate before or within minutes of penetration? Frequently. Is that a problem?
Thanks, Gmail. I've had my "fill".

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Maybe in May

Is it just me, or has April just sucked, and sucked, and sucked some more? (If it is just me, I may have to switch to an every-other-month, or every-other-OTHER-month blog posting schedule.) Fortunately, I don't think it is only my perception. Crazy weather. Crazy people. It's all been distracting, and beyond dismaying. Hell, I even forgot to call my mother on her birthday, yet was timely in my efforts for Syd's Bitch and Wife of Weese. Just crazy.

So... Fuck April. (The month, Asshats. Don't be nasty.)

My point? There IS hope, people. First, American Idol has finally been liberated from Sangina. With a little luck, I'll be able to resume doing laundry in my OWN laundry room soon. The Orioles are over .500, a virtual miracle. And then there's World Naked Gardening Day! [Ya'll really need to open that link to see the header.]

Why garden naked? First of all, it's fun! Second only to swimming, gardening is at the top of the list of family-friendly activities people are most ready to consider doing nude. WTF? Haven't "family values" gone far enough?

More daring groups can make rapid clothes-free sorties into public parks to do community-friendly stealth cleanups. And mug shots are such a nice addition to any family album.

Gardening has a timeless quality, and anyone can do it: young and old, singles or groups, the fit and infirm, urban and rural. no, No, NO!

Do it inside your house, in your back yard, on a hiking trail, at a city park, or on the streets. Insert your own "do it" joke here. your thoughts and images onto an Internet site... Um, that's called porn. Not that I'm maligning porn... oh, nm.
And for those of us that don't have a garden, might I suggest a little bush trimming to honor the day? After all, "All that's involved is getting naked and making the world's gardens--whatever their size, public or private--healthier and more attractive".

Coincidence that this date is concomitant with Cinco de Mayo? I don't think so.


Saturday, April 14, 2007

Please, Sir, may I have some more?

What, you want a post? Eh, what can I say; it was just one of those weeks. Er, two of those weeks. Whatever.

Without further ado, I present my one-and-only Season Whatever American Idol post. Yes, I watch the damned show, although this may very well be my last season thanks to the absurdity that is Sangina's continued presence among the "top" performers. I'm not going to rant about that, however. This post was inspired by none other than Mr. Phil Stacey, also known as Chemo Phil and Bat Boy. Harsh? I didn't make up those names, although I have no argument with them. I could go further and suggest that he looks like he has HIV or that he was recently liberated from a concentration camp...

Clearly, Mr. Stacey freaks me out. I appreciate his variety of hats, but they don't really do much to help his appearance in my opinion. This past Tuesday, the hat de jour brought this image to mind:

[Quick rant: Jeers to the F'ing American Idol site, that made me scroll through 139 of the 168 pictures posted from last week's performances in order to obtain Mr. Stacey's image. Ever heard of thumbnails, Asshats??? Haley's legs were nowhere near good enough to justify that. And I won't even mention Lakisha's teef.]

So, the question begs: what does Mr. Stacey want more of?

Please, Sir, may I have some more...


Additional suggestions welcome.