I don't think I've ever mentioned that I take birth control pills. Don't be getting any crazy ideas now - the sole purpose is to deal with Aunt Flo. That crazy bitch was visiting on a highly irregular basis and being a real pain in the uterus and back ass. She also had a real tendency to make me bitchy a tad irritable. And lethargic. And she fucked with my sleep, something I don't take lightly. I won't even mention what the old biddy did to my lingerie boxers sheets clothes!
So, Iwhined moaned was such a bitch looked so pitiful that Suzanne sent me to the doctor. The doctor gave me the prescription for The Pill. I took those little bitty pills each night, hoping against hope to be extricated from Aunt Flo's nasty clutches influence.
Time passed. The little pills changed colors. Finally, the Day of Reckoning arrived. Cramping, bitchiness, and sleeplessness were defeated. Hallelujah! Take that, Aunt Flo! Victory! And the villagers rejoiced. Well, Suzanne and I did, anyway. There was also the bonus of getting to quip, "Why is the lesbian the only one on birth control?!" when theepidemic of rash of multiple pregnancies occurred in my office.
With such satisfactory results, I even did a credible job of calling in the refill in a timely fashion each month. Having the ability to look at the calendar and know when Aunt Flo--now adefeated crone mere shadow of her former self--would arrive was so nice. The absence of the other symptoms was priceless: priceless I say, just like in the MasterCard commercials.
Time passed. Life was good.
More time passed. Igot shit-faced drank way a little too much, and hurled forgot to take the little bitty pill one night. Any of you biatches know what happened next? That's right. Aunt F
lo, full of piss and vinegar pain and suffering righteous indignation, descended two days later. Rather unexpectedly, and completely unwelcome.
Really, is there anything worse than having unwelcome relatives drop in twice in the same fucking month? Sure there is. Knowing it's your own damned fault.
Oh, and the über-bitch? It's too soon to call in the refill for the next script. Might as well put the welcome mat out for Aunt Flo now.
.
So, I
Time passed. The little pills changed colors. Finally, the Day of Reckoning arrived. Cramping, bitchiness, and sleeplessness were defeated. Hallelujah! Take that, Aunt Flo! Victory! And the villagers rejoiced. Well, Suzanne and I did, anyway. There was also the bonus of getting to quip, "Why is the lesbian the only one on birth control?!" when the
With such satisfactory results, I even did a credible job of calling in the refill in a timely fashion each month. Having the ability to look at the calendar and know when Aunt Flo--now a
Time passed. Life was good.
More time passed. I
lo, full of Really, is there anything worse than having unwelcome relatives drop in twice in the same fucking month? Sure there is. Knowing it's your own damned fault.
Oh, and the über-bitch? It's too soon to call in the refill for the next script. Might as well put the welcome mat out for Aunt Flo now.
.
11 comments:
Bummer, Wendy!
My Mrs has an Aunt Flo, too... but she is much nicer than yours, apparently.
Token Male
As soon as I'm done giggling at your post, I'll give you some sympathy...
.
.
.
.
Looks like I'm gonna have to come back later. :)
Back in the day when I was on the pill, the instructions from the doc were that if a pill was missed take two the next day. I recall doing that on more than one occasion and never had in interim
AF fest. Maybe you're inner bitch just needed to get out a little.
too freakin' funny.
well...except for the end part where i am supposed to show you sympathy.
ha.
Damn. Funny, but damn.
Listen, did I ever tell you about consecutive months of 20 days...oh never mind.
I was hoping that at 46...oh never mind.
Damn.
(when I was taking the pill and missed-I wasn't afraid A F would come-I was afraid she wouldn't :)
Having a few issues with old Aunt Flo myself lately I've been doing some reading (which can be a dangerous thing). FYI, there are some docs out there who now say you never have to come off certain birth control pills and actually have a period. (I think it's a specific type, though.) The thought of that brings joy to me, and I plan to bring it up when I next visit the gyn. Lesbians who aren't having kids just shouldn't have to have visits from Aunt Flo!
That was the funniest entry I have read in a long time! Thanks for your witty and quirky foray into that pesky visitor that barges in unannounced each month. TOO HILARIOUS. I'm new to your blog but will be back!
So depressing. She's a fuckhead, Flo.
Ah, yes, sister soldier, my aunt Flo is similarly afflicted with the borderline personality disorder you describe. Her behavior can best be described as random, tending toward vengeful, and her arrival is about as predictable as a puppy's trajectory.
Your aunt Flo, however, hilarious!
Wenwhit,
I remember my Aunt Flo, sort of. She doesn't visit anymore, thank the Goddess on High. Now, Kandy no longer has to turn on the heat in the winter. She just stands me up in a corner and I emanate heat for all to thaw by.
Lovely.
:-)
I'll just slide this here chocolate bar under the door and back away slowly....
Post a Comment